Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Law Dawgs

Ladies and Gentlemen, the story you are about to read is true, only the dialogue of the people involved has been somewhat constructed because the memory has its limits...

One Spring night in the year of 2007 in Stafford, Texas (a small city outside of Houston) I, a man standing six feet and one inch, weighing two hundred and ten pounds, and wearing street attire – baggy shorts, a hoody, and a bandana, was out jogging in a back alley street near my suburban neighborhood.  As I went about my routine, several police cars whizzed by me.  I didn’t think much of it, and so I just continued on with my business.  After I jogged about two miles, I headed back home, and when I reached my abode, low and behold several police cars were parked right outside my house.  Several coppers were walking around my yard, searching for something.  I wasn’t sure what my next move should be.  I thought about announcing myself, but that seemed too awkward.  And I also didn’t want to startle the cops, because bad things tend to happen when you startle people carrying guns, so I decided to utilize some of my latent ninja abilities (probably not the smartest decision).  I crept past them, without making a noise, and got inside my house.

A few seconds later, the door bell rang.  I answered it, and it was a bald headed gap toothed officer, and he said to me, “Sir, there has been a robbery and our dogs led us to your house.  We think it would be best if you let us have a look around for your own safety.  The robber could be hiding here.”

I thought that maybe I should just say no, and make them go get a warrant if they wanted to check out my house, but I guess niceness overcame me, and I let them come into my home.  Several coppers entered and searched my entire house.  After they conducted a thorough investigation, the gap toothed officer approached me and said, “Thank you, everything has been checked.  Be careful, and if you see anything out of the ordinary give us a call.”  They left my house, and I locked my door.

And then… 

A few minutes later, the doorbell rang.  It was the police again.  The gap toothed officer said, “I know we just checked your house, but we don’t know where this robber is, and we really think he’s somewhere around here.  Do you think we could check your house again?”  I smiled, a grinchy smile.  I said, “Fine, go ahead.”  The police searched my house a second time.  The officer said, “Okay, the robber is not here.”  And they left.

And then… 

A few minutes later, the doorbell rang.  It was the police once again.  The gap toothed officer said, “Sorry sir, I know we checked your house twice, but our dogs are telling us the robber has got to be somewhere around here.  Would it be alright if you came outside and let one of our dogs sniff you?”  My initial thought was that I didn’t realize dogs had so much influence upon the actions and decisions of the police force.  After mulling it over for a few moments, I said, “Alright, but that dog better not bite me, or I’ll bite back.”  The gap toothed officer laughed, and said “He won’t bite you, I promise.”  So he guided me into the street, away from my house.  He said, “Stand still, and don’t make any sudden movements.  We’re just going to let our dog sniff you real quick.”  I said, “Okay.”  Another cop, a portly one, held a German Shepherd dog on a leash.  I got a little anxious because to me animals are unpredictable, even trained ones.  So I prepared myself to strike, if the dog decided to strike at me.  The portly cop walked the dog past me, and in a matter of seconds they were done.  The gap toothed officer said, “Okay, that’s it.  You’re clear.  Thank you so much.”  I walked back toward my house.  I opened the door.

And then…

The gap toothed officer said, “Hey, sir… sir.”  I turned around and he approached me saying, “Can I ask you to do one more thing?”  I crossed my arms together, and said, “What’s that?”  He said, “Well you were the only known suspect that was outside at the time of the robbery, and we’d really appreciate it if we could take you over to the scene of the crime, and let the witness look at you.”  I pondered this for a moment, and then said, “Fine then.”  I don’t know what the hell was wrong with me, and why I was so obliging toward people that were willing to throw me in jail had they the slightest grounds to do so.

I went inside the police car - the backseat, the uncomfortable seat.  They took me to the apartment complex, next to my neighborhood.  A multitude of people were outside, there was a lot of commotion, and I was slightly concerned that I was being led to the gallows to meet my bitter end.  The gap toothed officer told me to stand in the middle of the street, and as soon as I did so, they shined a bright, blinding light upon me.  The witness looked me over and told the coppers that I wasn’t the guy.  Then, the gap toothed officer gave me a ride back home.  We said our goodbyes, hoping never to see each other again; at least that was my hope.

And then…

The end.


  1. good story, you should be a writer!

  2. piglets should have bought you some donuts for all the trouble they put you through!